First Kiss Determines Sexuality

After years of uncertainty, a study at Dartmouth University finally put to rest the debate of where ones sexual preference comes from.  In the past, Conservatives have argued that homosexuality is merely a choice while Liberals have maintained it is genetically inherent.  However, this groundbreaking study proved beyond a reasonable doubt that the quality of ones first kiss is the true deciding factor in sexual orientation.

As it turns out, there really is no science or choice to the issue at all; it is simply luck of the draw.  “As soon as Mark White shoved his tongue down my throat in the back seat of his Saturn, I knew something didn’t feel right” stated research participant Rachel Sampson.  “That’s when it clicked- I must be gay”.  Statements such as this are what sparked researcher Dr. Kenneth Novenzelgald’s interest.  “I had heard numerous stories of people having awkward, terrifying, and sometimes disgusting first kisses”, he said.  Consequently, it seemed that most of these people also identified themselves as homosexual later in life.  Going off this simple but significant observation, Dr. Novenzelgald surveyed more than 500 students, both male and female and found that a jaw-dropping 92% of students proved his hypothesis.

Although the study does answer a lot of questions, there are still some unresolved issues.  “The only person I have ever kissed is my mom” states 26 year old Ricky Anders, “does that mean I’m gay?”  Although Dr. Novenzelgald said circumstances like this don’t necessarily guarantee homosexuality, he did state “if you are 26 and have only kissed your mother, sexual orientation is really a non-issue, since you will likely end up alone anyway.”  Also, there is no word yet if a bad first kiss between two people of the same sex will result in both parties being straight.

In response to the results of the study, Evangelicals everywhere are shelling out big bucks for ‘guaranteed good kissers’.  These expert kissers advertise themselves on craigslist, and are receiving upwards of 500 dollars for the promise of giving a person of the opposite sex a great first kiss, thus locking them in to heterosexuality.  “Sure, it’s expensive.  But at the end of the day it’s either pay 500 dollars, or disgrace the family name and be eternally damned” said Sarah Palin, a stay-at-home mother of five.

Since the results of this study have been published, the debate between liberals and conservatives about where sexual preference comes from has ended.  Luckily, more time and energy can be spent arguing about gay marriage and when a fetus is technically a living creature.

Brett Jones, October 2009

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