America was reminded Tuesday that blessings come in many forms. In a shocking turn of events, notoriously self-loathing middle school music teacher Marc Freewind has apparently found an unexpected source of happiness; a warm toilet seat at a local supermarket.
According to Marc’s few remaining family members, he has seemed withdrawn and sullen recently after a messy divorce and a fatal accident that took most of his close relatives. Marc was the only one in the car who survived the collision.
To add insult to injury Marc’s cat, Judas, committed suicide by hanging itself with the ball of yarn Marc gave him for Christmas this year.
“The last few weeks have been difficult, to say the least” Marc said solemnly in a recent phone interview. “It was getting to the point that I thought there was nothing to live for. But when my bare butt cheeks felt the warmth on that toilet seat at Tops, I remembered I wasn’t alone.”
To many this incident might seem bizarre and creepy, but for Marc it was just what the doctor ordered. “It warmed my heart and my loins to know that someone had been in that very same spot only moments before me” said Marc, his voice cracking with excitement. “The best part is not just that they were there, but they hung around for awhile. That kind of stability is so hard to find these days.”
According to store managers, the event occurred around 3:30 PM and Marc remained in the stall sobbing tears of happiness until nearly 9 PM.
“We finally had to call the police to get him to leave” said store manager Bill Richards. “I didn’t want to rain on his parade, but customers were starting to get concerned over the violent crying and reciting of famous lines from romantic comedies”.
When asked about why he was reciting such lines Marc simply replied, “I was just lost in the beauty of it all. Besides, I was starting to worry I would never be able to quote ‘The Notebook’ in a moment of passion. Now I can finally cross that off my bucket list”.
Since that life changing moment in the pastel colored stall, Marc has been on a steady road to recovery; he is now comfortably medicated, has a new cat named Elvis and frequents the Craigslist personals.
When asked about what he learned from the ordeal Marc replied, “I was never religious, but maybe God is just a man with a warm ass who stuck around just long enough to save someone’s life.”
–Brett Jones, January 2010