Death Of The Drunk Dial

Bad news, world.  It’s time to say goodbye to an old friend.  After years of making an ass of yourself on your friend’s voicemail, there’s a new boss in town and he means business.  Forget the drunk dial; that’s so 2002.  These days the cool way to document your most shameful drunken thoughts is in 160 characters.

Gone are the days of fumbling through your contact list to call a friend at 3 AM just to tell them how great of a song “Don’t Stop Believing” is or how fire really isn’t that hot.  On the receiving end, forget waking up from your REM cycle to a pointless phone call of shit-faced noise.  No more mornings looking at your phone and to find a bunch of missed calls and ask the question, “who the hell called me three times at 2:14 last night? Oh. Steve.  This should be good.”  All of these time honored traditions have become a lost art.   These days, drunk texting is where it’s at.

It’s no secret that the increased popularity of texting has had an enormous impact on our culture.  From reporting emergencies, to sexting, to tweeting; text messaging has changed the way we interact with each other on a daily basis and has broken down meaningful interpersonal communication.  But when texting and alcohol mix, there is a whole new belligerent beast to deal with.

Arguably the greatest promoter of drunk texting is the increasingly popular website, textsfromlastnight.com.  The site allows users to submit their most ridiculous, funny, and disturbing ‘texts from last night’.  For an example of how awesome alcohol is when combined with a cell phone, take this recent post:  “(330): First off: I’m drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren’t a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down”.  It is important to note that while this is clearly a drunken text message, the author makes two valuable points— ‘tres’ does in fact mean ‘three’ in Spanish, and Three Doors Down does suck.  The benefits of drunk texting strike again.

Unfortunately, most drunk text messages aren’t as comical and informative as the provided example.  In reality, alcohol-induced texting is much less glamorous and laughably regrettable.  Maybe it’s the dehumanization of the intended recipient; forgetting there is actually a conscious person responding (who you will likely have to deal with in the future) and words aren’t just magically sending themselves back.  Or, maybe it’s because you aren’t given the chance to ‘snap out of it’ and think better of your decision when you hear the phone ringing.  Either way, the results are awe-inspiring.

Luckily drunk texting is here to stay, at least for a while.  Let’s face it, what better options are there when it comes to inebriated communication?  Drunk AIM?  Maybe if you are 12.  Drunk facebook chat?  Don’t be that guy.  Drunk skype?  No.  Just no.  The fact is there is no better way to try to embarrassingly reconnect with someone from the past, try to score with someone in the present, or damage a relationship in the future than texting under the influence.  That said, let the good times roll.  Keep the drinks flowing and the fingers flying.  I look forward to each and every prospective mistake.

Brett Jones, March 2010

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