In case you missed the memo on a novelty t-shirt at Target, green is the new black. With the constant buzz surrounding “going green” and the cool-factor associated with being environmentally friendly, it is hard not to get caught up in the hype. Quite frankly, I miss the good old days, the days when burning tires was a source of entertainment and throwing an empty McDonald’s bag out your car window wasn’t a hate crime against Mother Earth. Call me a dreamer but if we work together I believe we can go back to showing this needy planet who is boss.
Not too long ago our awesome nation was living the good life. We were buying the biggest SUVs possible to handle the rough terrain of suburban roadways and burning fossil fuels like it was going out of style. Plastic bottles were as abundant as the water they held and electricity powered microwaves, not automobiles. In other words, everything was right with the world. Not anymore. When everyone was least expecting it, a dullard named Al Gore released the scariest movie of 2006, An Inconvenient Truth.
Using a hydraulic lift and projector screens running on enough energy to power a small country, Gore rubbed our noses in the gigantic shit we have been taking on the Earth. With the help of mainstream media and political interests, “global warming” became a household term and suddenly everyone was concerned about homeless polar bears. This is where the problems started.
First of all, polar bears need to stop being so lazy and support themselves – I don’t work 40 hours a week so that some lethargic bear can get free handouts. Second of all, as a resident of Upstate New York who just barely makes it through the winter, I whole heartedly advocate for global warming. Sometimes I spray aerosol cans into the air just to speed up the sluggish process because I am an American and I like my gratification to be instant.
Luckily for our allegedly decaying planet “going green” has been ingeniously marketed. Forget Abercrombie & Fitch and Hollister. If you want to be the coolest kid in school all you need is an organic “Life is Good” t-shirt and a stainless steel water bottle. For all the middle-aged yuppies out there, consider it social suicide to keep driving that Hummer and using plastic grocery bags. In order to maintain an image of being “with it,” you need to purchase a Prius immediately. To earn the respect of everyone in your housing development, simply ask, “is this free-range chicken?” at the next neighborhood barbeque. If you are feeling extra green, throw a few solar panels up on your roof. Don’t even bother hooking them up; just having them there for all to see should do the trick.
Of course, “concerned” citizens aren’t the only ones fighting The Green War. Institutions worldwide have promoted the movement to convey a righteous image and capitalize on the environmental frenzy. These days recycling is easier than ever. Keep in mind however, that easy is a relative term. The Man already made us believe it was wrong to throw our trash on the ground like God intended and now we are supposed to sift through our garbage like poor people just to leave the world “a better place for our children?” Where do we draw the line against this tyranny?
So my fellow patriots, the ball is in your court. Will you lie down and accept being repressed and watch as your rights fade away like icecaps? Or will you stand up and fight for the purest joys in life: cheap synthetic clothing, genetically enhanced foods and bad-ass gas-guzzling monster trucks.
-Brett Jones, March 2010