The Truth About Ugg Boots

[Brace yourself ladies, because shit’s about to get real.]

Ugg Boots.  Love them or hate them, they are an undeniable fashion staple of our generation and have somehow managed to withstand the test of time.  These furry foot garments came on the scene within the last ten years and have stayed strong and evolved ever since.

Ugg’s started out simple, with plain colors and an oh-so-appealing furry lining.  Eventually they became the “must have” item for some girls, and a joke to others.  (Note: these nay-saying girls will eventually buy a pair anyway, claiming they are just ‘so warm’).  In addition to the basic original styles, you can now get a pair of Ugg Boots in just about any color of the rainbow and in styles ranging from ‘modest ugly footwear’ to ‘stuffed animal on my feet’.  Perhaps the best part of wearing Ugg’s is that there are no rules on how to wear them.  You want to wear them with your jeans tucked in? Go for it.  Sweatpants rolled to the top?  Sure.  With a denim mini skirt and sequin top? Why the hell not.

The fact is Ugg’s are more than just comic relief and a staple for a biddy’s costume.  Since there is no rational explanation as to why these boots would actually exist, I can only conclude that the secret purpose of Ugg Boots must be to hide cankles.  No matter how skinny you are, whether you are Taylor Swift of Oprah, if you are wearing Ugg Boots the real reason has to be cankles.

I know some of you might still be in shock from that truth bomb, but allow me to explain.   As you may or may not know cankles are, “an aesthetically unfortunate physiological condition which leaves its victims with no discernable narrowing of the ankle between the calf and the foot.” (Source: urbandictionary.com)  In order to get rid of cankels, one must workout tirelessly at the gym for that lean and mean leg physique.  Or, just slip on a pair of Ugg Boots.  Which sounds like a better choice to you?  Do you know how hard it is to watch The Real World and workout at the same time?

Now I’m not saying this deceptive technique is necessarily a bad thing.  By all means, do whatever helps cover up your insecurities (including, but not limited to: tanning, binge drinking, a blackberry, etc.).  However, please realize you are not a fashion goddess and that you can look at 8 out of 10 girl’s footwear and say to yourself “hey, those are my boots”.  Understand $200 for glorified slippers is just ridiculous.  Instead just concede to the truth, “I wear Ugg Boots because I have cankels”.

Your trickery worked for a while.  But now, the jig is up.  We are all on to you.

Brett Jones, February 2010

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