Two Fucking Weirdos Open A Heavy-Petting Zoo

Twin brothers and life-time weirdos James and Jeff Langol have created one of the freakiest pastimes ever advertised: a heavy-petting zoo.

Last Thursday in front of  their mobile home, the Langols  cut the proverbial  ribbon to announce the grand opening of their “zoo,”  fittingly  named “Inappropriate Fields.” The plot of land the zoo sits on is currently the property of the state of Arkansas and houses horses, cows, sheep, goats, pigs, lambs and coyotes.

According to the brothers the opportunity to “truly connect with and stimulate” these farm animals has eluded the general public for centuries. “True animal enthusiasts,” as the brothers described it, were forced to engage these creatures in private, which is weird and gross. Fortunately, with the advent of ‘Inappropriate Fields’ animal enthusiasts can carry on in the public eye without fear of reprieve. The Langols assert that the way they have the zoo setup, now heavy-petting is “safer for both man and animal,” but, still really fucking weird.  At the zoo, which has the off-setting aroma of lust and manure, visitors place condoms on their hands and are free to “vigorously and lovingly” pet the animals and safely explore any desire they may have. The Lampoon regrets ever going to Arkansas to report this story and finds the whole situation really fucking weird.

Mister Polone, March 2010

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