Suicide Bomber Forgets Explosives; Makes Anti-Climactic Speech

CLEVELAND,OH – A public transportation bus was held hostage Tuesday morning by Dale Granger, 31, in a suicide bombing attempt. Granger, a gas station attendant from Columbus, threatened to take the lives of thirty-four passengers before realizing he forgot his explosives.  In turn, he only delayed the bus for three frightful minutes.   Granger later revealed that his reason for the failed attack was to send a message to Cleveland politicians.

Over the past two years Granger claims he tried to communicate with his elected officials, but was ignored the entire time.  Granger says that he was imploring the local politicians to repeal the excise taxes recently placed on Camel Crush cigarettes and Take 5 candy bars (Dale’s “favorite things in the world”), but after 153 unanswered emails he was forced to “step it up a notch”.

“Granger couldn’t go unanswered! No sir. He is not one to ignore, so shit had to go down.” Granger confessed Wednesday in the third person. And shit almost did ‘go down’. Using online donations he received from his website, tryingtoblowupabussomylocalpoliticianswillknowthattheycantcontinuetoignorethevoicesoftheirconstituency.com, Granger purchased $6,000 worth of C-4, a megaphone, a trench coat, and an Xbox 360.

“I never had an X-box and I wanted to use one before I died”, explained Granger on his oddball purchase.

After assembling all the necessary tools, Granger sat down to write his final speech.  “I wanted it to say, ‘Hey, Granger’s not crazy or overzealous; he’s just trying to show his community that their political leaders consistently refused to acknowledge him.’ Or something like that. I didn’t want to be seen as a bad guy, you know.”

The following is an excerpt from Granger’s suicide speech as performed on Tuesday morning:

“Good morning, family, friends and total strangers. Today is going to be the greatest and last day of your lives. Granger knows when you woke up this morning you had no idea how this day was going to play out.  Well let him give you a clue…Kablooey! Granger has been ignored for too long. He has warned your elected officials that this was how things would play out. Technically, he told them 153 times!  So Granger apologizes their stubborn neglect will be paid for with human lives.  It’s sad that the kind of people who rise to power here are the type who can’t hear frustration unless it’s echoed by a bomb. It’s all kinds of fucked up, really, because all Granger was looking for were cheaper cigarettes and Take 5’s”.

When Granger finished his speech and pushed the detonator and no one died, he instantly knew that he left his explosives at home. When asked to described what it felt like, Granger said,  “It’s like an out of body experience except you’re in your body and it’s like you just promised a group of bus goers that they were going to die and then you leave the explosives at home.”

Simon Brown, one of the passengers on the bus said that he felt for Granger at that moment and knew that, “it had to be very embarrassing for him.  He just got through this moving speech about inattentive politicians and candy bars and then nothing happened. You’ve really got to give it to the man- after that huge failure he just took his seat and waited for his stop.”

At the end of the day Granger was able to keep a positive attitude, and was cleared of all charges.

“So Granger kinda forgot the big finale” he said, “but that doesn’t mean that it was all in vain.” In response to the incident, Ohio politicians announced they discovered Granger’s emails in their spam folders, and will “address the messages at their earliest convenience”.

Fred Polone, August 2010

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