C U Next Tuesday

Control yourself; I’m talking about exactly what you think I’m talking about. The final frontier. The coup de grâce. The last great “bad” word.  I’m talking about a word so perfectly awful, it doesn’t even have a place in back of the bus conversations among middle schoolers. A word so delightfully bad, editors and censors literally shit their pants when they hear it.

Contrary to its desensitized contemporaries, this word still bites in a way you thought was no longer possible. As a staunch advocate for anything that has the power to grab society by the balls and give a firm twist, this word also happens to be one of my all-time favorites. Unfortunately, words of this caliber are becoming few and far between.   This is why I have started a revolutionary movement: the Concerned Union for Negative Terms.

The goal of the Union is simple: bring back and create words that still have the power to offend. Why you ask?  Easy. Why not? As conscious beings with the ability to generate and understand complex language, it is our responsibility to push and break the boundaries that bind us in the mundane.

Words, no matter how simple or elaborate, can be extremely influential. They have the ability to fill our hearts with joy or our minds with anger.  For example, “Your eyes are as gentle as a summer nap in a field of wildflowers,” versus, “You really put on a few pounds…you look like a snake that just ate a rabbit!”  Both sentences, while fundamentally just words on a page evoke polar opposite emotional responses. This is the power and influence of language. But as Kanye West once said, “with great power comes great responsibility.” That responsibility is to use and promote words that still mean something and stir up an emotional reaction- whatever it may be.

Let’s face it; virtually all the great profanities of our time have lost their gusto.  Between music, television and movies, we as a society have become numb to most vulgarity. And how can we not be? Lady Gaga looks like she was assaulted with a blunt object while filming a porno, South Park said ‘shit’ more than fifty times in one episode and Gran Torino revolves around mildly creative racial slurs. In other words, it’s getting hard out here for a pimp, so he needs to develop a stronger backhand.

That’s why the Concerned Union for Negative Terms will relentlessly use the contentious word described earlier until your made-up God strikes us down and sends us to his made-up hell. We will use it unapologetically and often. Each uncomfortable stare, awkward silence and blatant look of disgust will continue to contribute to the goal of our controversial mission.

What happens next is inevitable; the Concerned Union for Negative Terms will have made the word so commonplace it’s no more effective than, “dummy.” But that’s ok. In fact, in the end it will be beneficial. The lack of effect in response to this once powerhouse of a word will pave the road for potential growth and development of newer and better words that offend on a level we can’t even begin to comprehend yet. To put it another way, if you constantly stick your dick in vaginas it’s only a matter of time before you get so bored that you need to jam it in an ear cavity just to feel something again. The power lies within each of us, so get creative, you gooch gobblers.

Brett Jones, October 2010

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