Before You Dress Like A Whore For Halloween…

Keep in mind everyone is judging you.  Don’t fool yourself into thinking that it’s acceptable to dress like a schizophrenic stripper just because little kids go door to door begging for candy.  You’re wrong.  You look ridiculous and should be ashamed of yourself.  I don’t care how cute your “girls” claim you look or how excited you are to be the first ever “sexy cantaloupe”.  The fact remains: you look like an actor who escaped the set of an acid-inspired porn movie.

Think about what your grandmother would say if she saw you, for goodness sake.  Better yet, think about what Susan B. Anthony would say.  You should be ashamed of yourself, young lady.   You’re willingly degrading yourself and without even trying to get any Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups out of the deal.  All you’re concerned with is a timely Facebook profile picture and the thrill of getting hit on by the dude cleverly disguised as “The Situation” at Old Main. And don’t tell me that dressing with your chooch hanging out is “embracing the sexual power of the female form”.  I don’t need to to be able to see your stretch marks through your tights to know I’m not interested. If you wanted to dress as someone that showcases woman’s fortitude and intelligence you should have been Rosie the Riveter or Oprah Winfrey, not a coke-slut version of Tinkerbell.

Also, please don’t pretend like it’s not 35 degrees outside and you aren’t freezing your angel wings and booty shorts off.  Prove to me you have some brain cells left beneath that sparkly halo of yours and wear a god damn jacket.  Even if you wear your smelly Ugg Boots I won’t judge you (for once).  Just do something, anything, other than pre-gaming with Hypnotiq to keep warm.  Trust me, there’s nothing sadder than a “sexy honey bee” with hypothermia.

Seriously ladies, who do you think you are going to attract with these costumes?   The dude dressed as breathalyzer with an arrow pointing to his penis that says “Blow Here” and his crew of meatheads? Or, maybe the 45 year old guy in the corner with his hand down his pants that just came out for the free show.  Either way, not exactly a great catch.  And another thing- I’m not buying the “it’s not for anyone else other than me” bull shit when the success of your costume is measured by the number of drinks bought for you while you’re out at the bar.

It isn’t the 1950’s anymore; we see half naked girls on TV, in magazines and in movies all the time- and most of them look better than you.  If for some reason you feel the need to be sexy for a holiday whose icons are Jack-O-Lanterns and zombies, why not try something different?  To quote Jackie Treehorn from The Big Lebowski, “People forget that the brain is the biggest erogenous zone.”  Try something different.  Maybe I’m alone on this, but I’d take Daria or even Sylvia Plath over a half naked and obnoxiously drunk Statue of Liberty any day.

Brett Jones, October 2010

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