Today, I think I’ll eat a big bowl of Skittles and wildflowers just to throw up a rainbow. And you know what? I’ll be laughing the whole time. After that, heck, I might start listening to Christmas Carols on repeat and not stop for the next twelve weeks, just because I like their catchy melodies so darn much. I even know a station that banned that awful “Christmas Shoes” song. I can’t imagine what Alabama (that band of heathens) was thinking when they wrote that song; no one gets cancer at Christmas!
I don’t know what it is, there must be something in the air. Or maybe it’s because the pesky sun and those nasty UV Rays stopped coming around so much. Good riddance, I say. Whatever the reason, I feel like a million bucks. The smile on my face is tickling my ears. How goofy am I?!
Come to think of it, you know what is probably responsible for putting the spark back in my step and the butterflies back in my heart? I’m trying this new thing called “apathy,” apparently it’s pretty popular. Whoever said ignorance is bliss is a silly goose. Apathy is way better. If ignorance is bliss, apathy is ecstasy like being tickled by the wings of a thousand hummingbirds while being sung to sleep by Billie Holiday. Think about it, you get to know everything you want but nothing more and you don’t ever have to do anything!
But the best part about apathy (and there are a lot of good parts) is the fact that I never have to question my own actions or emotions. I didn’t like thinking that much anyway. Sometimes it gets uncomfortable and scary and interferes with my enjoyment of Glee. Why would I subject myself to that kind of mental rigmarole? I’d much rather wait for my friends and the internet to tell me what to believe. If there is something important I need to know or care about they can just invite me to the Facebook group they made. And here’s the kicker: I can do it all from my BlackBerry and get right back to sending penis pictures to unsuspecting girls! It’s as thoughtlessly convenient as Wal-Mart and almost as rewarding as changing the channel any time one of Sarah McLachlan’s sad puppy commercials comes on. Since I started practicing apathy, I swear we live in a perfect world and I’m a perfect person who contributes to the evolution of consciousness perfectly!
Well, I suppose I should wrap this little ditty up now. I don’t want to waste too much of your time and I have to prepare a nice cup of cocoa for myself before the Telletubbies marathon comes back on. Oh- did I mention how happy I am? Well, just in case I wasn’t clear, here are a few more over-the-top metaphorical comparisons: happier than an unsuspecting horse that just gave birth to a unicorn; happier than a baby chipmunk nestled next to a fire smoking a pipe; happier than a warm hug with a best friend who just gave you a second chance. That happy.
–Brett Jones, December 2010