Answering the question of the year, Time Magazine’s Man of the Year announced he would be spending all of his Facebook billions on complete Facial Reconstruction Surgery. Zuckerberg says the decision comes after the painful realization that despite his fame and billions of dollars he will always be a, “doofy nerd with a less-than-admirable personality”. Zuckeberg also said the question was made easier by the fact he could “never get a sexy profile picture”, regardless of how many mirror-shot angles he attempted.
The quintessential specimen of deception, selfishness and American greed, Zuckerberg, 26, is believed to currently be worth seven billion dollars. However, this standard information likely comes as no surprise to the average reader since Zuckerberg has been talked about in sickening amounts over the last six months. Still, the muppet-faced stallion said the constant interviews became a major source of his self-loathing.
“We ran into a lot of problems when interviewers wouldn’t let me keep the paper bag on my head”, Zuckerberg said through tears in a recent phone interview. He said he now wears the bag constantly when he is in public to prevent hecklers who comment on his enormous nose, fat superhero jaw and beady little rabid eyes.
Zuckerberg went on to bear his soul through pathetic sniffles: “That’s my security blanket, you know? Sometimes people freak out when they see my Picasso-esque face. Money doesn’t matter then. I don’t exactly have any redeeming characteristics, either. I feel like a monster”.
It seems perhaps many agree with this assertion. Members of the anti-Facebook Group, the aptly named “Fuck-Zucks”, believe Zuckerberg is simply being punished for introducing such a superficial and narcissistic creation into the world. The founding member, an anti-conformist who calls herself Flower, publicly renounced Zuckerberg as a “chasm of gluttony and perpetual dimness “ in a hand written letter that took two weeks to receive.
Although he may have accomplished big things before his upcoming surgery, Zuckerberg remains confident in his investment and predicts to be even more successful after the operation. “The way I see it”, he said, “If I can become a billionaire and internet mogul while still looking like an alien with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and treating people like garbage, imagine what I could do after plastic surgery. I bet I could take over the entire Milky Way Galaxy.”
–Brett Jones, January 2011