From now on, I’m ignoring the winter cover-ups. Everything: the colorful lights, the semi-annual friends-and-family sales, the made up zodiac controversy, and everything that comes out of Sarah Palin’s mouth on Entertainment Tonight. I want to be oblivious to all of it. It’s winter outside, it’s cold and grey, and it sucks. The snow looks pretty from the window, but salt ruins cars and shoes. That’s the way it goes when you live in Western New York. So let’s stop pretending like putting sprinkles on spam somehow makes the spam taste like a sundae; it still tastes like poverty.
To be honest, the half-assed efforts at perfuming the pig of winter are starting to make me colder than the weather itself. Here’s the thing: the concept is fine, but the execution is pitiful. It seems as though The Powers That Be (Clearchannel, Turner Communications, etc.) think that if they put enough bright colors in our advertising and instigate good water-cooler discussions we’ll somehow forget that it’s snowing outside. Nah, bro. It don’t work like that. I think I can safely speak on behalf of everyone in this town when I say: if you have lived here in the winter, you have always noticed when it was winter. No matter how much fluoride they put in the water, we’ll still figure that shit out.
I think I’m just bitching now for no reason. Actually, I know I am. I guess I’m just a hypocrite and this is my own attempt to make chicken soup out of chicken shit. Either way, I’m not going to stop. Let’s just justify it by saying this is my way of treating my “Seasonal Depression”. If it’s good enough to get pills, it’s good enough for most of America.
Also, I will say this: If Seasonal Depression is really capable of leading me to suicide, so be it. You win, Mother Earth. But when the drug companies get even bigger dicks to fuck the lonely hearts of Valentine’s Day with (after seducing them with the ‘consequences’ of my ‘unfortunate situation’), I want you all to go to their corporate offices and burn them down. Don’t worry about going to jail, chances are they will just prescribe you Zoloft so they can start rebuilding.
But I digress. My point is simple, after all. All I’m saying is I want to stop lying to ourselves and embrace the majesty of winter (or something like that). More importantly, I want the media to stop treating us like cats that get put in the basement when guests come over and let us (at the very least) embrace the majesty of reflection without empty distractions.
Go with me on this one, and hang on tight: take for example the recent mass deaths of birds in Arkansas, fish in Brazil and Louisiana, and cows in Wisconsin (Google it, hombre). Why aren’t we hearing about this more? The short (paranoid) answer: because it’s winter, people are already borderline crazy.
I don’t care if there is a perfectly logical explanation. There probably is. Still, events this peculiar need to be explained, or at least talked about, rather than filtered to protect the fragile minds of the American Public. Furthermore, what does it say when discussions of apocalypse theories seem to be making their way out of small paranoid circles and transform into a general public sense of paranoia? If we treat our society like a holistic being, that lives and breathes to the rhythms of individual lives, then why are we ignoring our mental health?
Maybe that’s what the pills are for. That’s definitely what the new 3-D TV’s and celebrity gossip shows are for. The iPhone is now available on Verizon.
Will you be my Valentine?
–Brett Jones, January 2011