Friday afternoon, Canadian born French Professor Dr. Jean-Robert Rousseau spoke candidly with the Literary Lampoon in an interview concerning alleged rumors surrounding his use of controlled substances. ” Oh I smoke weed everyday. No doubt about it.” Professor Rousseau commented unashamed. “I know it’s frowned upon because it’s illegal and everything, but I really don’t see how I can make it without.” Dr. Rousseau, age 42, has been smoking weed for over 29 years, but has only been going to work under the influence for the last three semesters.
According to Professor Rousseau, he, like many of his compatriots, has very inattentive students and says that it is particularly challenging to give a lecture when all the students “stare down at their books or random ceiling tiles.” While some educators have tackled this problem by instituting group work, or incorporating multimedia devices in their lectures, Professor Rousseau, maverick that he is, has decided to smoke up before every lecture, and then gauge his efficiency at coping with non-responsive students. “My lessons plans have become a lot easier to get through, and I think my students are performing at better levels. I guess at this point I’m doing it for them.”
Dr. Rousseau’s students from day one suspected that their professor “was baked beyond coherent speech”. One of his students Marcus James, reported that “his eye are always red and squinty plus he’s always eating fruit roll-ups and drinking yoo-hoos during class, we thought it was awesome.”
After this interview was conducted, The Filtered Press staff was informed that Professor Rousseau met with foreign language Department Chair Dr. Carmen Rivera to discuss his termination. When asked to comment Dr. Rousseau said ” Hey, I loved my job, I loved my students, but right now I have about a half-ounce of the sweetest purple haze I’ve ever smoked, so I guess it’s not all bad.” Dr. Rousseau told us that he only has two regrets, the first being that he hadn’t started smoking earlier and the second being that he didn’t show more films in class. “Have you ever seen a french movie high? Oh mon dieu! It’s Crazzzaayy!”