After years of mundane lunches, 46 year old Bryan Johnson of Digicorp International finally reached his breaking point. Citing “a lack of lunch making creativity on the part of his well-intentioned wife”, Johnson went on a shooting spree that injured four innocent coworkers and one human resources employee.
Johnson was an employee of Digicorp for 16 years, and according to his coworkers, seemed content with his job.
“Bryan was here everyday on time. He always wore nice slacks and his ID badge was displayed with pride” said former boss Charlie Ryan. “But he did keep to himself at lunch time. He never came out with us, saying he already had a lunch packed. I think he just ate in his cubicle instead, even when we went down to The Chuckle to check out that waitress with the big titties.”
Witnesses say that the tragic day started out like any other: Johnson showed up five minutes early, parked his Ford Taurus in the usual spot and said good morning to everyone as he made the slow walk to his sparsely decorated cubicle. As always, Johnson only left his desk once before lunchtime to get a cup of coffee and use the bathroom.
“In retrospect, that mundane Monday morning was the calm before the storm. The stale, light office air was unprepared for the weight it was about to hold”, said over-dramatic colleague Brittney Kleise.
At lunchtime, the scene turned tragic. According to Kleise, the quiet sounds of computer keys and mumbled voices were broken by a loud groan from Johnson’s cubicle followed by him screaming, “Turkey again? Are you frigging kidding me?!”
Johnson then stormed out of the office to his car where he removed his son’s confisgated NERF crossbow and six foam arrows. He then ran back into the office, loaded the first arrow, and shot at the dull turkey sandwich (on wheat bread) sitting on his desk. In his fit of rage, Johnson rapidly fired all his arrows while yelling “I AM SO SICK OF STUPID TURKEY SANDWHICHES AND DUMB CHERRY COKE! I NEVER WANT TO SEE A GOSHDARN PIECE OF TURKEY AGAIN!”
During his rampage against the sub-par sandwich, Johnson was unaware that the arrows were ricocheting off his metal desk and violently raining on the rest of the office.
In a public statement Johnson apologized to his coworkers, but said he firmly believes his extreme actions were warranted.
“A man can only take so many turkey sandwiches” he said with tears in his eyes, “at some point he needs to stand up for what he believes is right.”
Even though he “wouldn’t wish 25 years of turkey sandwiches on his worst enemy”, Johnson says he does not condone guns or violence and is going to counseling for his rage. He is also seeking a divorce from his wife of 30 years.
“Her heart just isn’t in the preparation of my lunches anymore” he said when asked why he made such a drastic decision. “When we first got married she mixed it up; ham, roast beef, maybe even some leftovers on our anniversary. But that was a long time ago, and now I think it’s time we both move on to greener pastures with tastier lunches.”
After the incident it is likely Johnson will face short jail time in a minimum security facility, and he has been fired from Digicorp “indefinitely”.
Following his release from jail, Johnson hopes to obtain a job at Wendy’s. “I hear you can eat whatever you want for free”, he said with a smile, “and those Baconators are delicious.”
–Brett Jones, August 2010