After 19 years of awkward chubbiness, Billy “Egg-Man” Munch has finally discovered his role in society. Once just a quick-witted porker from Wisconsin, Egg-Man has grown into “The Funny Fat Guy” in his group of friends at Penn State University. The announcement comes shortly after his ‘sick burn’ of his buddy Balls on the quad Monday morning.
“It was a good one. He got me fair and square and then he topped it off with an Anchorman quote! Classic Egg-Man,” said Balls with a chuckle. Balls then went on at length about previous gnarly Egg-Man burns, his favorite lines from Family Guy and how much he loves lacrosse.
The title of “The Funny Fat Guy” is “an honor and a privilege,” according to Egg-Man during a recent interview in front of his favorite ice-cream vending machine.
“There are a limited number of positions an oinker like me can fill,” said Egg-Man while scarfing down his second Oreo Klondike Bar. “Think about it: there’s ‘The Dining Hall Legend’, ‘The Fat Guy Who Pretends He’s Not Fat’ and ‘The Virgin Gamer’- not to be confused with ‘The Smelly Recluse’. That’s about all that’s available to us lard asses.”
Since his new title, those closest to him have noticed a variety of positive changes. Egg-Man’s mother, Linda Munch, notes that her son’s grades have improved and he seems to have a more positive demeanor. “There is a twinkle in his eye that used to be reserved for cupcakes,” she said adding, “and he even has the closest he will probably ever get to a spark in his step.”
Although Egg-Man admits there were times he felt as though he was sliding like a bucket of bacon grease into the inconsequential life of the gross recluse, he claims he is now happier and jigglier than ever.
“Now that I’m ‘The Funny Fat Guy’ I’m kind of a big deal. I think it’s time I really let myself go,” he said in between spoonfuls of Crisco. “I think there’s some kind of correlation between fatness and funniness. The way I see it, I’ll be the next Ralphie May if I can get up to a D Cup.”
–Brett Jones, September 2010